Things I’ve noticed…
Jun 25th, 2009 by Gordon | 2 Comments
For some reason I feel about writing a very quick rant about things that I've noticed about people in relationships. Some of these things I've seen exclusively in others, some I've seen in myself whilst introspecting a bit about the past (because I am not currently in a relationship), and certainly some of these have been present in both myself and others. In fact I think most would fit in that latter category; I'm not as weird and unusual as I sometimes like to think I am. (But mind you, I am weird and unusual.) So here goes.
They disconnect from their friends
This one I see all the time. Sometimes people don't even realize they're doing it--especially if it's their first major relationship. They dedicate all their time and energy to being with the other person. And while it's good to have someone to confide in, to relate with, to spend time with, it's not as good if it means giving up friendships. Of course no one would ever really admit that they're doing this, at least until it's too late and they've spent enough time away from their former friends that when they finally try to reconnect they find themselves suddenly incompatible and then blame either their friends or themselves, depending on what type of person they are. Oftentimes people might not even consciously notice that they suddenly spend less time talking with or spending time with their friends because they're still too starstruck about being in a relationship to notice. Fortunately though, a lot of people who fall into this trap do so at an early age when it's still easy to make friends again after they eventually break up. I think this is kind of a lesson that you learn mostly in hindsight--to pay attention and not take for granted all your regular friends. It's good to spend a lot of time and energy on your partner, but it's also important that this doesn't come at too much of a cost to the friends you value.
They start to become slightly different, less interesting versions of themselves
Again, this is something that more often comes with the first major relationship than later ones, but I've seen both in myself and others how people will essentially sacrifice parts of themselves to be with the other person. Unfortunately this is kind of another lesson that people seem to have learn for themselves, and won't realize until after the relationship is over. Hindsight is everything.
They think they're cuter together and better for each other than they actually are
This one I find especially baffling, despite my ability to sympathize with it, because often people will naturally have ridiculously high/unreasonable standards for selecting a partner prior to entering any relationships, but once in one, suddenly a lot of the criteria they had in mind for a partner seems to fade away. And naturally, if confronted about this, many people will often rationalize and give excuses, thinking that what they've got is special and unique. Spoiler alert: it's not.
They suddenly become more careless/carefree when it comes to PDA
Public display of affection is generally only okay in very small doses. Hand holding? Great. Awesome. Spectacular. A quick kiss? Yeah, okay. Passionately making out? Ehh....can't you guys do it somewhere else? Groping/etc.? Get a freaking room! I think these are some pretty good standards for PDA, and I think most people would agree with me there. Some people even get irritated at nothing more than a light kiss in public, although I think that's silly. But what is truly strange is how those same people will later seem to forget how much it irritated them to be forced to watch others gloat in their passion when all of a sudden they themselves find themselves locked in a relationship. All those former rules, guidelines, and dos/don'ts about PDA...out the window. I'm not going to try and pretend that I myself never made this mistake, but that's the thing about mistakes...you learn from them. So the next time you're out with your sweet honey cakes at the park, in the pool, or wherever you may be, try to force yourself to experience some sort of existentialist look, and cool it on the passion. Or at least get the heck out of there and take care of each other in private, if you need it right then.
They suddenly start giving out relationship advice as if they know what they're talking about
This one annoys me to no end sometime. Just because you happen to be in a relationship right now does not mean you know anything at all--let alone that you know significantly more than those around you, particularly single people. Even if you have a lot of experience with relationships, experience hardly means a thing if you haven't learned from your mistakes. Never assume you know more than everyone else around you just because life seems to be going your way for the time being. There will be times when you know more than other people, and in particular there will be people who are not as wise as you. But the state of being "officially" in a relationship does not make you an authority on anything and everything who has all the answers. It makes you a person who happens to be in a relationship.
So those are the things I've noticed and felt like sharing. I feel like they all fundamentally boil down to the same, simple piece of advice: "try to have a little self awareness." I hope somebody reading this can get something out of it. Otherwise, stay classy, non-single people.
interesting
I won't go so far as to disagree with you on any of this, despite some pointed comments. I think a lot of this does happen and I know I'm guilty of some of it. But okay, again, I don't disagree, but here's the (I think, obvious) reasons for your above mentioned gripes:
1. They want to spend their free time with this person of their affection, as they're getting to know the person and wants to know as much as possible. True, they ought to spend non-couple time apart and not alienate friends. Sometimes, though free time is few and far between.
2. Relationships take a certain amount of compromise (something you've admitted to yourself). But relationships should never require to sacrifice who you are or compromise on fundamental things you're looking for in a relationship--so I agree with you there. Any relationship with any amount of integrity will be based on mutual understanding and letting the person be themselves while still accommodating someone else in their life. Without that, a relationship will probably eventually fail, or you'll lose yourself.
3. It'd be unfair to say that no relationships ever were a "good fit" or "cute". To say so would make the entire tenants on which relationships, marriage, family etc exist a sham. Which, maybe it is, seeing as how so many people are doing it wrong nowadays. But yeah, relationships are more than just sweet nothings whispered into the ear of your beloved to a touching photograph in a photo booth. But again, a relationship with any amount of integrity has stuff that goes on behind the scenes that you don't see.
4. I don't disagree with this. PDA bothers me a lot, actually, even especially when I'm caught as one of the perpetrators.
5. Maybe I only just proved your point on this one, whoops. No, people in relationships can never really be 'experts' on relationships. Even if things are going well in theirs, their ideas may not apply uniformly to any and all other relationships. But I think sometimes a person feels so excited and happy with someone that they want others to experience that same joy, which may come at the annoying expense of getting unsolicited and unhelpful advice.