Life according to Gordon

As some of you might already know, I'm a HUGE Legend of Zelda fan. It's been my favorite video game (read: franchise of video games) ever since I was a kid; I even like it more than Mario (although that is a close second). I've played and beaten just about every Zelda game there is, with the notable exception of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, which I could never really get into. (Note: CD-i games and the like don't count. If you don't know what those are, you're lucky.) And I've always been the kid who, after beating a Zelda game, has to continue to make sure I've finished all the side quests, found all the pieces of heart, and unlocked every secret. It's a minor obsession of mine. There have even been many times where I'll be screaming at the console/hand held, fuming with frustration over having to attempt certain tasks over and over and over again, but I'll keep trying until I get them right. I think you might call it OCZD, or obsessive-compulsive Zelda disorder. And then I generally go back and replay each game years later as well. Right now I'm replaying Twilight Princess, and it's just as fun the second time.

But anyways, I've noticed a couple of common themes and hidden messages to the Zelda games over the years, and I've decided to compile them here into a short list. I'm not sure that the game creators had really intended for kids to take away these messages with their games, but nonetheless they seem pretty prominent to me, regardless of intent.

1. Everyone else's problems are your problems

And not only that, but in fact everyone else is literally incapable of solving their own problems without your help. The Legend of Zelda games, particularly since Ocarina of Time and especially true in Majora's Mask, have made the concept of "side quests" integral to game play. You learn that farm women are incapable of keeping their chickens penned without your help, carpenters are unable to locate their own tools without your assistance, and if anyone's ever in need of eye drops, a trip to the local pharmacy is utterly impossible; they need your help. This isn't an entirely bad lesson to learn. If it was intentional, then hopefully it's meant to teach kids a sense of empathy and to place value on helping others. But it's honestly ridiculous the lengths you have to go to help other people who would be perfectly capable of helping themselves in the real world. The flip side of the coin is that it teaches you to pry your nose into other people's business with an incessant desire to "help" them, as if to believe that you somehow have more capacity to do things "the right way" than everyone else around you.

2. The only skills in life that matter are the ones you've most recently acquired

The basic format of a Zelda game is to have to fight your way through a series of dungeons/temples, where each one contains a map, a compass (which has never actually functioned in the way any normal compass would, mind you), a number of "small" keys, a single "big" key, a unique item that grants you a new skill, and some magical artifact or piece of one. That's the format they've chosen and stuck with, and it works pretty well overall. But one thing I've noticed with this format: you're completely helpless in a given dungeon until you have acquired the new item/skill. Then, once you have this new item, it's pretty much all you need. Forget the fact that you've become an incredible archer overnight, forget that you've learned to jump vastly higher and farther than any normal human could, and forget that you have an amazing Batman-style grappling gun. None of that matters anymore because you gained all those skills in the last level. If you want to survive in this level, you need to acquire a new skill. In fact, this new skill is really the only thing that matters. Sure those other things seemed nice at the time, but you need to keep up with the latest trends, and all those things you learned before are now obsolete. There's no point in sticking with anything for too long or trying to see the larger picture; what you need to stay focused on is what's in the here and now.

3. You need to be a Jack-of-all-trades

With that said, Link still does retain all of the items and skills he gains and usually has to use them all again by the end of the game. The final dungeon is usually where the developers try to create an amalgam of everything you've done so far, thus requiring every skill you've learned so far. So while most of the game you only ever need to stay focused on whatever new skill you've just picked up, eventually you do need to bring everything together and use things you've learned in the past. And you often need to be able to do a lot of different things. Link certainly becomes very well-rounded and worldly by the end of each game. And he always ends up with an inordinate amount of stuff. Which brings me to my next point...

4. Never throw anything away; you will always have space for it

This game definitely teaches you to be a pack rat, just because once you gain an item, no matter how large or unwieldy it may be, you have it with you until the end. This often flies completely in the face of physics, as it doesn't really make sense that you're much heavier while wearing the iron boots you acquired on your feet, but normal weight when you're simply carrying them in your pocket. And how on Earth do you fit a pair of iron boots in your pocket to begin with? Isn't your pocket already full of sticks, nuts, bombs, boomerangs, slingshots, pendants, shovels, grappling guns, mirrors, boots, flippers, two changes of clothes, a dictionary, a giant hammer, musical instruments, baseball gloves, a lantern, a wooden raft, a step ladder, and more? I mean, seriously, it's just so much; how can you fit it all in there? (That's what she said...) The problem with this message is it teaches kids to keep acquiring more and more things without ever once thinking of where they're going to put it. It teaches them simply not to worry about space issues; what's important is that they keep getting more.

5. You can (and should) make unimaginably huge profits by mowing lawns and mugging people

In just about every Zelda game, you can find hundreds upon hundreds of precious gems just by cutting away shrubbery. In fact, this is actually what you need to do in some games. You need to acquire some item only available in one particular store that is impossible to shoplift from, so you need to get money. The way to do this is swinging your sword at any grass you can find, because surely this will turn up emeralds and rubies if you keep at it long enough. And indeed, you don't have to keep it up very long at all! And the other way you can get money quick is by assaulting anyone who crosses your path. Half the people you encounter are loaded and easy pickings if you stab them, and you can eat the flesh of the other half to recover your health. Very positive message there, Nintendo.

6. Every girl you meet will fall hopelessly in love with you without delay

This is true regardless of race, creed, or even species. Every girl you meet has never had any other friends her entire life, and as such will become instantly and completely infatuated with you. They will give you looks of longing if you leave, force you against your will to agree to marry them, and be playfully cheery and receptive to anything you say or do. The damsel in distress archetype really drives it home, too. None of these girls can seemingly do anything without your help (just like everyone else in the game), so you better believe they're grateful when you come to their aid.

7. ...But for some reason, you aren't getting any (and you won't, no matter what)

Despite the fact that all the girls seem to be head-over-heels for Link, none of them will put out. In fact, no matter what unbelievable lengths Link goes to, no matter how many incredible deeds he does on their behalf, and no matter how much time and effort he puts into fulfilling their wishes, none of them are willing to give Link any sort of reward for it. In the end, all the female characters are just a bunch of teases. Honestly I feel bad for the guy, but that's probably because his experience sometimes seems to mirror my own. While none of the female characters actually encounter each other during the game, I'm pretty sure they actually continue living after you turn the game off and talk to each other. I'm sure the only real reason they show so much interest in Link when he's around is not because of anything about Link, but instead because they want to compete with the other girls in the game. It's not about Link; it's about becoming the alpha female. So they'll play coy when Link's around, doing only what they have to in order to lure him in, but they only do so for the purpose of proving to the other ladies that they're the most attractive one. As soon as Link starts asking for things, though, you better believe his needs are going to be ignored. Either that, or I need to get out more and stop personifying game sprites.